Ok, we know you don’t want to hear it, but the jolly old big fella with the red suit is right now starting his final ’Good List’ check before the logistics elves begin loading up all the gifts for the Big Day. Before you know it, Christmas Day will be here quicker than a teenager can text in class.
At Valentine & Bee, Christmas is our time of year. What’s not to love about gathering the entire family together (around the fire if you are in the Northern Hemisphere or around the pool and BBQ if you are in the Southern Hemisphere). All the clan getting along, with perfectly wrapped presents under the tree, creating a beautiful backdrop for an editorial quality photo opportunity, just as you would see in any high end magazine. The garden has been tastefully adorned with twinkling fairy lights which bathe it’s surrounds in a warm festive glow. Christmas tree’s, decorated with baubles that dazzle, stand majestically in the room with fairy ornaments that nestle on their branches casting shadows that seem to dance on the walls. The air is filled with the rich aroma of mulled wine and gingerbread and there is a sense of excitement as the children sip on hot chocolate, listening to Christmas stories while thoughts of sugar plum fairies dance in their heads.
Or at least that is the Disney version.
The reality is probably closer to being a ’Griswold’. It commonly starts somewhere in August, when supermarkets subtly start displaying six pack’s of Christmas Mince Pies. To begin with, it’s usually only the Mince Pie’s because retailers don’t want to completely shock your system, instead choosing to start mentally preparing you for the craziness that is hurtling your way.
By September, they sneakily introduce Christmas Cake, Rum Balls and the all important Shortbread into the line up to sit alongside the Mince Pies at the end of an aisle in the bakery department. In the madness of weekend shopping, you only subconsciously register that the festive fare is slowly starting to alter the landscape of the supermarket .
October see’s a significant escalation in the situation. Novelty gifts and stocking fillers start to make an appearance. You begin to notice sticky tape rolls and gift tags are now appearing in radom aisles, on those mini displays that are attached to the shelves. All are subliminal messages to remind us that The Season of Goodwill is approaching.
At this point in the game, the Christmas Mince Pies, Christmas Cakes and Rum Balls are moved from their subtle stand at the end of the bakery aisle to join the newly added Novelty Gifts and Stocking Fillers in the ‘Seasonal Aisle’, competing for shelf space with all the Halloween paraphernalia. Now that the Christmas Fare has been moved to an aisle, you don’t realise it just yet, but the clock is ticking.
Halloween Night comes around and while you are being besieged by a wave of Buzz Lightyear’s, Harry Potter’s and an influx of zombies, ghouls and ghosts……….. Santa’s elves are working overtime in every retail outlet, shopping mall and Plaza to put all those trees, baubles, garlands and festive touches to get you in the mood. On your drive to work, your Retina starts twitching wildly at the sight of streets decorated with festive bunting, colourful lights and the all important Town Christmas Tree has appeared out of nowhere, just as if Scotty had beamed it down. As you sit at the traffic lights, soaking up the festive atmosphere, it’s not Christmas Cheer you are feeling…… it’s Fear!
In the mere 24hrs since you had last been into any shop, the landscape of the Retail Sector has changed somewhat. Tree’s, festive music, staff wearing their new Christmas uniforms as directed by Head Office. Those year round faithful employee’s being turned into reluctant elves in their Festive stripped T Shirts, elf ears and Santa Hat‘s with the all important tinsel around their Santa’s Little Helper name badges. All of this is going on as Jingle Bell Rock’ belts out from the speakers at a level of decibels akin to a Super Hornet buzzing your home at tree height.
Each and every aisle has shelves that are randomly stocked with items which are loosely related to Christmas. Sticky Tape, the original ‘Random Aisle Intruder’, is now joined by other items such as Tooth Picks, Paper Clips (we will get back to this later) and those little egg shaped containers with powdered pavlova.
The Information Signs above each aisle are also draped in garlands of green and red tinsel and how exactly this makes the ‘Cleaning‘ aisle any more festive remains a mystery.
Nothing is where it should be, to the point where you are now having to ask Siri for navigational directions to where the breakfast cereal is now located as it seems to have been replaced by Advent Calenders. Milk has been relocated to a small gap between the produce section and deli and in its place are rows of festive egg nog and brandy custard. You notice that even the very name of the ‘Seasonal’ aisle has been renamed to the ‘’Christmas’ aisle. All of the Halloween treats have vanished with not so much as a lone discarded candy wrapper to be found. In their place stand rows of Quality Street, tins of Roses, oversized Toblerone bars and an assortment of chocolate covered nuts.
Faster than toilet roll can disappear from the supermarket shelves during a pandemic, it’s now December.. Ah December, the season of good will towards all men…….. is suddenly out the window. Anxiety start’s well before you even reach the shopping centre. In fact, it starts the night before when the realisation hits……….. because you have procrastinated all through the months of October and November, there is now no further time extension allowed on the dreaded Christmas’To Do’ list.
Some 3 hours, 4 coffee’s, a 6 page spreadsheet and a wine or two later, you have a completed ‘To Do’ List. Looking over your spreadsheet, you decide to highlight any urgent points, only to find every line on your list is highlighted. As you go to bed, you are starting to think that this could very well be your last full nights sleep until at least the new year. Between having additional work to complete before the holidays, end of school year Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, photos with Santa, house cleaning and ‘Christmas’ house cleaning, there is no longer time for sleep.
Morning comes all too soon and now, as you are about to enter the car park, your furiously highlighted list sits intimidatingly on the passenger’s seat, like an old school driving examiner whose watching your every move to make sure you don’t deviate from your lane.
One thing you need to understand is that “One does not simply drive into the supermarket car park at Christmas and expect to find a spot”. As you enter the car park, all you can see is a serious amount of cars, a sea of brake lights and a wave of people armed with shopping trolley‘s and screaming children with melting ice creams. Manoeuvring around the carpark is an ageing process and the chorus of horns that you can hear certainly didn’t come from the Angels or from the local Salvation Amy Band but rather from the Volvo sedan who appears to be at the epicentre of a fraca with the driver of a Zip Zip car over who eye balled the one remaining car park (and There is the Season of Goodwill we mentioned earlier). Meantime, shoppers are watching on in awe as the driver of what looks like an all terrain armoured military vehicle attempts to parallel park in a spot designated for bikes.
If you can make it through the car park without being run over, abused, or had the back of your heels clipped by a trolley, don’t stop to congratulate yourself over the victory, that was merely the side show. Once inside the Mall, you quickly discover today’s shopping experience is sponsored by Stephen King. Thousands of people running around in confused circles, some of them clutching lists, others wandering aimlessly, as they shuffle around gift stands with vacant expressions. But you…….. you are not one of them. You have come prepared with your highlighted list and a plan. You tell yourself that you can have this list knocked out of the park in an hour. If nothing else, that’s a cute thought.
Fast Foward several hours of torturous queues, doing laps of the Mall searching for specific gifts and always getting there just as the ’last’ of the stock that you wanted is sold right in front of you. You too have become one of the zombie shoppers, shuffling around diaries, calendars and personalised socks at the pop up store with the rest of those poor battle worn and deflated souls. By now, weakend by the whole experience, you resolve to retreat and recover so you may continue your Retail Assault tomorrow.
One thing on your list was to put the tree up. No problem . After the Battle of the Mall, this should be easy. You would think! Putting up and decorating the tree should be a relaxing fun activity which the whole family can enjoy. A time for bonding and getting everyone into the mood for this magical time of year. Oh, thats the Disney version again.
The first challenge is to find all of the Christmas decoration boxes along with the tree. Unless you are a Home Organisational Professional and a Black Belt Sixth Sigma Qualification Holder, your Christmas deco’s will be stored where ever there is space. Storage can often be across multiple rooms, cupboards, wardrobes, under the stairs, basement or garage. This is going to be a marathon in itself……..but you succeed!
Having successfully located all the relevant boxes and tidied up the huge mess created during to search and rescue mission, it’s now time to get the house all Christmassy. The Chrimerfication process starts off well with all family members willing participants. It’s usually around the 10 minute mark that you notice that the ‘willing participants’ are not paying attention to the placement of decorations on the tree. Despite having conducted CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT PLACEMENT Training, which specifically dedicated an entire chapter to the “Back of Tree” Decoration on an annual basis, no one is paying attention.
In the blink of an eye, they are practically throwing the baubles on the tree with such wild abandon it’s like hail hurtling from the sky. By the 15 minute mark, it’s starting to feel more like a hostage situation in a Zoo rather then a festive family activity. After dismissing your entire work force, who really seem relieved, the stark reality hits……. You are in this battle alone. Not just with the tree……… with everything Christmas related.
A quick audit of the work that been carried out to this point by the family elves reveals, 3 broken tree branches, of the 4 sets of lights used last year, 2 are broken, 1 is working but stuck on the intense pulse flash option and the musical set now plays at quarter speed sounding like a Eurovision Thrash Metal Band than. There are several other boxes of decorations you have found but you decide not to go through them and instead head to bed.
Morning comes all too soon and you find your self less enthusiastic than you were yesterday. You reason with yourself that you are wiser now. After yesterday, you know what to expect now and can be better prepared. The Highlighted list that seemed good enough for yesterday’s battle, is no longer good enough today. A second list is created, listing each store you need to visit in order of importance. Armed now with 2 lists and coffee In a travel mug, you are ready.
The scramble for a car park space is a carbon copy of yesterday. The drama is exactly the same but with different players and a few more horns blasting. The queue today is longer and it the game of Musical Car Spaces lasts a good 15 minutes longer than it did yesterday. Eventually after an enduring game of hide and seek, you find a space about a kilometre away from the entrance, but hey, you got a park.
After a quick consultation with your Lists, you know where you need to go first and what assets need to be acquired in those locations. Once inside, the only difference between yesterday and today is a few thousand more people and the air conditioning doesn’t seem to be working in all the stores, which only adds to the delightfulness of the situation.
As the hours roll by and with only 2 things checked off your list, you realise that no matter how many lists you make, or how prepared you think you are, the one thing you have no control over are queues and lack of stock. Limping from store to store, it’s the same horror queues and sparse looking shelves.
As you make it to the Christmas Decorations Section to replace those broken lights, you are greeted with rows of empty shelves. Aside from a few rolls of discarded wrapping paper and some broken ornaments, there is nothing left. Everything has been stripped bare With only an empty space where the Christmas tree lights used to live.
Oh now you are in big trouble . Your brain becomes overloaded with all the Festiveness and instantly snaps into disaster mode. Picking up the pace, you find yourself power walking like an Olympic athlete from store to store on a mission to get as many things ticked off those lists, right down to the Brussel sprouts that no one eats. Suddenly you see the neon lights of the Variety Store. Like a moth drawn to the light, you push that trolley as fast as you can legally go without mowing people down, if only that trolley had lights and sirens. Forcing your way through the crowd, you know that if any store is going to have Christmas Lights, it’s going to be the discount store. You have been into this store many times and know the layout all too well. You zero in on your target aisle like a heat seeking missile. Ahead of you, the shelves are almost empty but a handful of boxes remain in the lighting section. 5 boxes to be precise. In the heat of battle, you swoop in and grab all 5 boxes. You only needed 4 but By George you will have them all. Leaving other disappointed and envious shoppers in your wake, you proudly march to the check out. This time you got the Last of something. This adventure is turning out better than expected.
After scouring the Mall one last time, you leave with the blind belief that this is the last time you will see the inside of this Mall again this side of Christmas, Pushing your trolley towards the car park, you greet inbound retail warriors with that smug smile that say’s “that’s me sorted for Christmas”.
Upon arriving home, you take great satisfaction in surveying the haul of goodies that you queued so long for. Aside for some groceries still to purchase, you are done. Now it’s it’s time to stash those presents, pour a glass of wine, put on a festive movie and you are ready to get decorating.
Alas, putting up the seasonal adornments doesn’t get off to the greatest of starts. Remember the 3 broken tree branches? That was one thing that wasn’t on either of your lists. There is no way you are going back to that Mall. Absolutely Not! There is only one thing to do………. Gaffer tape. At first you have second thoughts and question whether tape is a good idea. About now, the Mentally fatigued part of your brain convinces you that it will be fine, after all baubles are virtually weightless. This is where things start to unravel.
Now that the branches are bound with gaffer tape, it’s time to get those new lights unboxed and onto the tree. It’s only after laying your newly purchased lights out on the table you realise You were a little too premature in doing that little victory dance back at the Variety Store. In your haste to swoop in like a Ninja and snatch those 5 sets of lights, you really should have paid more attention to colour of lights on box. What you assumed was 5 sets of warm white twinkling Christmas lights, turned out to be two boxes of Blue Lights, one box of cool white, one box of outdoor rope lights and the fifth box turned out to be crackers and not lights. To add to the misery, the one box of cool white lights solar Powered for outdoor use.……. Oh the rage that you feel is palpable.
With a bauble in your hand, you eye off the tree. You have put that many trees up over the years that as a seasoned professional, you know there is an order to decorating any tree. Assemble Tree, String lights on Tree, place Feature decorations, add baubles, trim with beads and finish with The Star. Looking at the bauble and back to the tree, you know that lights can not be put on last. Determined that the night wouldnt be come a write off, you decide the Christmas tree is going up with or without lights.
You take all those seemingly weightless baubles and place them according to Decorating Protocol. Separating the Front of Tree Decorations from the back and begin placing them accordingly around feature ornaments. Only a few baubles in, you notice that there are no hooks to attach the bauble to the tree. how could this happen? How did you forget paper lips again this year? Remember the night when you spearheaded the search and rescue of the Christmas decoration boxes, spent all that time locating your precious seasonal deco’s, rescuing them from their confined storage and bringing them in to the Star attractions in the house, you never opened the boxes of decorations to check to see if any replacements were needed. Ok, so the rest is f the baubles would just have to wait for now.
At this point, you know you should really just stop but in a race against time, you continue to add the beads and just as the movie is finishing, the Shining Star is placed like a beacon of hope on top of the tree. Standing back to admire your handy work, first thouguts are that it’s sparse, dull And with a slighting dropping bottom branch Reality hits, you are going to have to find lights tomorrow and remember to buy paperclips for the baubles. Another trip to the shops!
The following day is like Groundhog Day. It’s a Carbon copy of your previous encounters But more intense. A full 40 minutes is spent traversing the car park. The spot you have found for yourself is that far away from the shopping precinct that you consider waiting at the nearby bus stop for a ride back towards civilisation.
The lengthy queues you have previously endured are nothing compared to what you are facing and by now the very sound of Cliff Richard singing Mistletoe & Wine is giving you a nervous tick. Scrambling Towards the store you have in your crosshairs, dodging trolley’s and avoiding eye contact with charity collectors, you make it inside the entrance. With the speed of a cheetah you sprint towards the Seasonal Asile hoping that there will be shelves restocked overnight with lights and all the other festive necessities on your list. As you turn the corner into the asile your feel a sudden burst of excitement……… the shelves are full. Oh yes the Christmas Stars are finally aligning. But as you begin to focus on the shelves, things are not what they seem. All those shelves that were empty yesterday are now filled with hot cross buns and mini Easter eggs. Even worse, after scouring the store, you are told they have sold out of paper clips.
Feeling less like a Christmas Elf and more like Ebeneezer Scrouge, you head up towards the hardware store to find something that could help support the broken tree branches. As you are scanning the shelves looking for the “Christmas Tree Branch Fixer and Restorer”, a product which makes sense to you, but doesn’t exist, you spy a seemingly abandoned trolley. Walking past it, 3 brand new shiny sparkling sets of warm white indoor lights. Each set with 1000 lights. Examining the trolley, there is also some very cute heavily discounted decorations and a Poinsetti, which was something else you forgot to add to the list. Looking in both directions, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around other than an elderly couple at the far end of the asile looking at some outdoor furniture covers. Is this a Christmas Miracle? Not questioning it, you grab hold of that cruelly abandoned trolley with those unwanted festive contents and you push that thing like your a finalist on Supermarket Sweep. Approaching the bank of checkouts, the one directly in front of you has just opened and is empty. Could this day get any better?
As you start piling your Christmas Miracles onto the conveyer belt, you can see the elderly couple looking around bewilderedly. The first thought that enters your mind is that like so many others, they too have become zombie shoppers and you feel a sense of sadness towards them. But your thoughts are interrupted when the cashier asks how you would like to pay. Now back in the moment, you scan your rewards card and tap your card. As the cashier hands you your receipt you overhear a customer service supervisor talking to the elderly couple. It would seem that they were missing their trolley. Not hanging around to hear what the contents of the trolley where you turn on the afterburners as you get out of Dodge. On the long walk towards your car, you know you have some old ladies poinsettia, decorations and what could be the last tree lights in the State. As you toss them in the boot the only thing you feel bad about is not feeling bad and that you didn’t have time to grab some sushi.
Exiting the car park is just as exhausting as it was to find a space in the first place. During the long drive home, you feel nothing, Numb from the retail experience and mentally fatigued from all the stress, it’s time to head home for a welcome change of pace. Once home, after collecting your mail you realise that there was yet another serious omission from your To Do List…….. Christmas Cards. Clutching your post, at least a dozen cards, there is only one thing to adjust the mood, another Christmas movie and more wine.
Armed with everything you need, it’s time to get that tree dressed. It’s at this point you discover that retrospectively installing the lights on the tree is not easy. Beads are now getting tangled with the lights, the small amount of baubles that were attached have all fallen off, the feature decorations are looking squashed and the Star is sitting sideways. Just to add to the magic, a second branch is dropping badly. In the throws of all the excitement of the Christmas Miracle at the hardware store, you have forgotten to secure the non existent tree branch fixing device, paper clips and the recently remembered Christmas Cards.
back to the shops then……….
This year, we have been working on some new ideas for the festive season which we are excited about. So, how much time is there until Christmas? Approximately 9 weeks…… eeek. That’s not long at all making October the perfect month to get your Christmas Cards, Gift Boxes and party favour boxes arranged. Let us take the hassle out of writing Christmas Cards by having a beautiful personalised card created. Our cut off date for Christmas orders this year is Monday 5th December for domestic courier deliveries and Monday 12th December for local Pick up. To place an Order, visit www.valentineandbee.com
With Love & Sparkles
Valentine
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